This week marked the end of my teaching for this school year. I had looked forward to Friday for so long, like a giddy child. The last week came and I felt like I saw the light at the tunnel, but knew it was going to be a lot of tedious checking over of things. But, finally, at the end of the day on Friday, I finalized the overstuffed binder of lesson plans. I also cleaned out all the extra paperwork laying around in the room. I was done. I know I have to come in on Tuesday and finish grading students essays and homework packets, but that should take me no longer than 2 hours, which I'm happy to do.
However, the shocker came when I started driving home. I started to get even more nervous and anxious, but not because I felt there were things that weren't done. However, I got nervous when I started to think that the next time I'd be driving home from teaching like that, I'd have my daughter in the back of the car. For some reason, I got really anxious by the time I reached home.
I arrived at home to find that my wonderful lover was vacuuming the house with our new vacuum... every nook and cranny was being cleaned. (It was cute.) He started talking to me and I heard nothing. I just walked over and hugged him. He continued, and I just started bawling. As we talked, I realized that I must learn to let go of something that I have control over and know how to do, only to accept something with such unpredictability. That's not an easy thing to do for a grown adult. I was pretty mopey for the rest of the day, but Ramis did an amazing job of tuning into me, and then we talked it to exhaustion. He and I are walking into a dark theater together. Just keep breathing....
"Is everybody in? Is everybody in? Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. The entertainment for this evening is not new, you've seen this entertainment through and through you have seen your birth, your life, your death....you may recall all the rest. Did you have a good world when you died? -enough to base a movie on??" --Jim Morrison, American Prayer
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Everything you are feeling is all normal (at least it was for me). I remember it feeling so crazy that a very competent person could feel so incompetent as a parent. The unknown is scary, but this is the best unknown on earth!
ReplyDeleteIf there is anything in the universe that teaches you how to let go and let whatever is going to happen, happen; it's bringing a new human being into the wold. I will continue to say this until I am blue in the face, you are going to be fabulous parents. Did you hear me? You and Ramis have everything in perspective. That beautiful baby girl is the product (math term) of the love you share and when you get down to it, in the world of parenting, that's all you really need; love. Enjoy the ride.
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